011 - Gender Roles
Introduction
I know this can be a sticky topic. Can we even talk about this in our modern culture? I think we must talk about this, especially in our modern culture. But before we dive into this we need to set some foundational concepts that establish exactly what we’re talking about.
What It’s Not
This is not about who is in charge of whom.
This is not about who is more important.
This is not about who has more value.
What It Is
This is about divine design.
This is about optimal functioning within a traditional family context.
This is about teamwork.
Foundational Understandings
Here are a few principles we are laying as the foundational framework for this article.
There are 2 genders: male and female.
The Bible is the sole authority on this subject.
We are allowed to disagree on the subject, interpret the scriptures differently and still be friends.
the full image of god
So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female. Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.”
Genesis 1:26-27
The man gave names to all the livestock, to the birds of the sky, and to every wild animal; but for the man no helper was found corresponding to him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to come over the man, and he slept. God took one of his ribs and closed the flesh at that place. Then the Lord God made the rib he had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called “woman,” for she was taken from man. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:20-24
In Genesis, we see that God created man (Adam) in His image. We then see that God crafted Eve by taking her from Adam. Although the Bible doesn’t spell this out, here are my personal thoughts on this idea: God had His full image reflected in Adam. He then took the female attributes of His image and separated them from the male and created woman. Together as male and female, we reflect the full image of God. That is why marriage is a reflection of the full image of God (Genesis 2:24).
Men and women were created for each other. We are better together than we are on our own. We are innately and completely equal. The male representation of the image of God is not greater than the female representation of the image of God. As men, we reflect an aspect of God’s image that is not the full picture of who He is. Women also reflect an aspect of God’s image that is not the full picture of who He is. God is not male, and God is not female. But together, we reflect the full image of God. We need each other in order to fully reflect the image of God to the world.
Submission & Sacrifice
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33
The scripture above is a very controversial passage in today’s modern culture. It almost comes across as archaic and backwards in certain contexts. And why are we taking marriage advice from Paul, a man who was never married? No matter how we stiff-arm this passage, I would argue it’s still relevant if we understand its dynamics.
The Dynamics of Submission
The Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands. Submission is basically a 4-letter word in today’s culture. It’s viewed as lording over a peasant or ruling over slaves. That’s the furthest thing from the reality of what submission really is all about. Think about the dynamics of submission. In order for someone to submit to another, there must first be an understanding that both parties are equal in every way, or there would be no reason for submission. Submission is a choice to come under the authority of another despite our innate equality. Without equality, there can be no submission. Submission in a marriage cannot be forced by a man, or it will be dysfunctional; it can only be gifted from a woman in order for it to function in its divine design.
The Dynamics of Sacrifice
The Bible teaches husbands to love their wives. This one sounds nice and fluffy - and not too difficult for us men. Right? Think again. This passages says way more about how a man should treat his wife than it does about how a wife should treat her husband. It leaves no room for loose interpretation, as it gets specific with how we are to love our wives. It says that men are to love their wives the same way Christ loves the church and gave himself for her. It’s a sacrificial love. Think about the dynamics of that form of love. Without it costing some form of comfort or convenience, it’s not sacrificial, and it’s not reflective of Christ’s love for the church. It’s love to the extreme - literally laying down your life for her. Let me make that more literal for you: loving your wife as Christ loves the church doesn’t just mean willing to die for her, but willing to live for her too. Most of us are willing to die for our wives, after all, that’s manly. Very few of us are actually willing to live for our wives, because we’re too busy living for ourselves. We live for our careers, our dreams, our ministries, our country; but we don’t lay down our preferences for a wife who’s laying down her authority for her husband. Sacrificial love in a marriage cannot be forced by a woman, or it will be dysfunctional; it can only be gifted from a man in order for it to function in its divine design.
The Dynamics of Mutuality
When a man and a woman are mutually gifting each other with sacrifice and submission, the result is love and respect (Ephesians 5:33). It creates the substance to meet the core needs of a man and a woman. A man’s inner desire is respect. A woman’s inner desire is love. When a husband and a wife mutually gift each other submission and sacrifice, they are meeting their spouse’s deepest desire. It’s divine design. When we operate outside of the divine design, the result is dysfunction.
Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
A husband and a wife are a team. The man cannot lead the family alone; the woman cannot lead the family alone. In order for the family unit to function optimally by divine design, the husband and wife must lead together. This means forgiveness must flow freely. It’s hard to resent your wife and lead your kids well at the same time. In the words of the great theologians, Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock, “It takes two to make thing go right; it takes two to make it outta sight.” If you want your family to live the best life together that God intended, you have to do it His way, and you have to do it together. I’m not going to lie - it sometimes sucks to sacrificially love your wife. And to tell you the truth, I don’t always do it. I can also tell you that the whole family is much happier when I do choose to sacrificially love Andrea. And the same is true for her, and the same is true for you and your wife.
It’s an ebb and a flow. It’s not all 3-pointers and slam dunks, but it is a lot of assists and rebounds. It’s the small, daily sacrifices that create sacrificial love, not just the big moments. It’s teamwork. Whatever your dream for your family is, it probably involves the unit staying together, laughing together, growing together, playing together, and being together. This doesn’t happen by accident; it only happens with intentionality together. Teamwork makes the dream work.
Same Team, Different Roles
Men were perfectly crafted by God to provide and protect. It’s just who we are, generally speaking. It’s built into our DNA, and it’s reflective of the providing and protecting nature of God. Women were perfectly crafted by God to nurture and comfort. it’s just who they are, generally speaking. It’s built into their DNA, and it’s reflective of the nurturing and comforting nature of God. This is why much of our anxiety and stress as men are tied to our ability to provide and/or protect. The first thing a man will ask another man when they first meet is, “What do you do?” He wants to know, “How do you provide?” It’s also why our careers are so important to us as men, because they speak directly to our ability to provide. It’s important to note that providing doesn’t necessarily equivocate to breadwinning; it can play out differently in each family dynamic. Men also fight, or at least we pretend we will if the situation calls for it. Little boys innately showcase their protecting instincts when they wrestle each other to the ground when fighting over a toy. They’re innately protecting what’s theirs.
It was a Saturday evening in mid November 2011 when my family took me to my favorite restaurant, Peking Gourmet Inn, for my birthday dinner. Andrea was 9 months pregnant with our first child, Andie, who would be born on the 28th, just a few days later. The restaurant was packed, and we were waiting for a table in the tight corridor of the entrance. A large man who was leaving became frustrated with the crowd, threw all of his weight into Andrea, and knocked her off balance and into the crowd. Immediately my father-in-law, Darrell, stepped chest-to-chest with this man, who was twice his size. After a firm exchange, the man stepped around Darrell and toward the exit. Andrea had been married to me for 2.5 years and under my protection, but Darrell still acted on his role of protector for his daughter. It’s who God made him to be, reflective of His own image as Protector.
Although men and women are on the same team in marriage and family, we have different roles in order to help the team win. When we work together within our divine design and unique gifting, there’s not a bill to big, a fight too fierce, a sickness too harsh, a child too troublesome, or an enemy too strong that we can’t win against. When we operate within the divine design, we can’t lose.
The Exceptions
There are exceptions to everything, and this is no different. Maybe you’re a single dad trying to raise godly kids. Maybe your the dad of a single mom, trying to raise godly kids. Here’s what I know. Being a single parent is hard - really hard. Why? Because it’s not supposed to be that way. If your wife left, or it didn’t work out, or she passed away, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through. It’s not supposed to be that way. It’s the result of the broken world we live in. You’ll feel the hard struggle of single parenting, and it can be done and God will bless it when you honor Him in it.
If you’re a Jesus follower and your wife isn’t, the greatest gift you can give her is not a sermon about Jesus, it’s a sacrificial love that reflects the love of Jesus. Love her as Christ loves the church and gave himself for her, and see what God does with your obedience.
Conclusion
As the “head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23), you are not the mob boss of the family. Your decisions are not the decision for the family. Give your wife the gift of sacrificial love, preferring her desires and interests over your own. Be willing to die for her, but be willing to live for her too. Together, by divine design, you’ll make your family an incredible unit of love and joy, while creating a relationship with your wife that exceeds every expectation you’ve ever had. Remember, you were literally made for this, and God is on your side.
